Saturday, August 11, 2007

Deadlier than Sharks...

As we lay Shark Week 2007 to rest, I'd like to take this opportunity to celebrate nature's lesser-known assassins. First on this list is the innocent- and cuddly-looking marmot. While these little guys may seem harmless, the marmot, a close cousin to the also cute woodchuck, may carry the bubonic plague. Bubonic plague! I suggest that you write to your congressman to request that the Whack-A-Mole game be renamed Whack-A-Marmot to raise awareness before the U.S. becomes one giant Hot Zone.

Next on the list of terror: pigs! I always suspected that Babe had it in for me, but my worst fears were confirmed this week when I read in The Good Good Pig that pigs kill more humans every year than sharks, and are, in fact, so vicious when raised in crowded conditions that they are known to eat anything that enters their pen, including babies or small children! As a result, I've decided to increase the pork products in my diet by 300% to fight this epidemic of pig violence towards children. It's the least that I can do.

Well, I hope you take this into consideration next time you head out to the petting zoo at Central Park. These animals WILL kill you, so I suggest you avoid them entirely. After all, they're deadlier than sharks.

No comments: